May 2009


After not speaking for quite some time, (because we are oceans apart and are both too lazy to see how the other one is doing) Zed sent me a message on Facebook.

ZED:

Hi cuz, how’s foggy London town? do you miss me yet? don’t lie… it’s like you’ve had a limb amputated I know. I don’t miss you at all by the way.

How’s things? You home sick? Any hotness about? Got any of your juicy stories to tell… I’m sure you do. You got a job? What you doing with your time? Do you and snake nip to the pub every afternoon? Cool. How’s the rugby going?

All well here, staying with Rob and Ness in Bo-Kaap as I think you know. Think I got a job which is pretty sweet. Actually think I might get offered the 2 jobs I interviewed for last week!! When it rains it pours!!

Did luke give you that internet dongle I sent? (tee hee… I said dongle). Does it work? I have the password somewhere maybe if you need it… think I wrote it somewhere, let me know.

Anyway, you know how I gave it to you an all… even though I can’t use it… that was pretty nice of me right? Glad you agree. So could you do something for me!?! There is a pair of soccer boots at Hayley’s house… in Dave’s bag that he left there. A white pair… size 9 that I stole from work… remember? Remember how I stole you stuff too? That was pretty nice of me hey? I know, I’m such a good cousin. Anyway, have you been to get my other stuff? I had 2 bags there… pretty sure I told you… Are you using any of it? I said luke could use it if he wants. Think the only stuff I want to keep is the jackets/skiing stuff? Not sure what else there was actually? If I forgot anything cool please keep it for me or don’t let it get klapped. There was some bedding of chessies I know… and a Thesaurus… you can have that. That’s pretty nice of me right? I know… thanks, I love you too.

Anyway, seeing as how I’ve done so much nice stuff for you an all… don’t you want to post me those boots? PLEASE!!!!!!! if it’s a major schlep I understand… or if it’s too expensive. Don’t think it will be though will it? like 10 pounds or so? I’ll pay you back… or ask Luke to and pay him back.

K, let me know. Thanks old bean. Hope all’s well.

Let me know what’s up… send your old cuz a nice long email!!

Take it easy lemon squeezy.

Much love, Z.


MY REPLY:

Dear Zed

Thank you for your questionnaire. I had to read it a few times so I could fully take it in. My brain only functions with an email of less than four questions. Yours contained 24. Hence my delayed response.

Ahem..
London is fine, same as usual.
No, I dont miss you at all, I’ve found comfort in other material goods, as I’m sure you have.
Things are good, thanks for asking.
No I’m not homesick yet, but thanks for bringing that up (note the clever pun)
Lots of hotness about, but as usual, nothing is being done about it.
No juicy stories, but believe you me, you’ll be the first to know if any do spurt out.
I have 2/3 jobs. Polistas clothing store. Promo work, and Internship at Mens Health which is cool. Working at the picture desk. Have an exciting day 2m, will tell all if it goes off according to plan.
What I do with my time is of no concern to you. However I have planted some seeds and spend a fair amount of time watering and singing to them. This is not joke. I take my gardening seriously. Seriously.
Jake and I unfortunately dont nip to the pub that often. He works evenings, and me during the day. But we drink at home quite a bit. cheaper.
Rugby is finished, injured my knee badly, think I told you. So haven’t played for a while, but been going to the gym, so hopefully my amazing physique will only get better.
Yes i got the dongle, ahem, but he left my house without giving it to me, tsk tsk, but he sent it via post, so no worries.
Yes it works.
Nice of you, maybe. Dont think it required too much effort. So it was.. umm….good of you.
Maybe.
Sort of remember.
Vaguely remember.
I guess it was nice.. no no, good of you.
No, have not been to get your other stuff.
No, not using your smelly clothes, although Cheska’s stuff is wonderful.
I think I saw your skiing stuff.
Oh just odd stuff. This and that. Nothing important.
A Thesaurus for me! NOW THATS NICE OF YOU!!!
I will think about posting the boots, however I might see who is going back to SA, might know someone going soon.
Shouldn’t be too expensive for you, COS I”LL BE PAYING!!!
10 Pounds or so!!! its 10 Pounds I’ll never see again!!

Arrrrrggggghhhhh, thank goodness thats over!
Exhausted.
Let me just send this now, before it disappears.
Will write again in the arvo.

My fingers are bleeding.

Weak


ZED:

You’re a tool. Not a useful one.


ME:

Appreciate my sense of delusion you fool. My wit. My resourcefulness. My charm. Dammit!!!

What is happening strap nut? It feels like ages since we last exchanged pleasantries.
Well the truth is Zed, I thought of you today. I was sitting on the loo thinking about work n stuff. Then when I was finished I saw what had come out of me. I didn’t know where it had come from. It didn’t flush. For the next ten minutes I stood in the cubicle waiting for the water to fill the tank. In those brief few minutes as I waited for my monstrosity to be eaten, I wondered how you were doing. I pictured me at Wimbledon tennis courts hitting balls against a wall. Thats not fun. It certainly isn’t.

QUICK BREAK INTO A SONG:
Cos you’re my lady, I’m your fool.
It makes me crazy when you act so cool.
Come on baby, lets not fight, we’ll go dancing.
Everything will be all right.
Wake me up, before you go go.
Don’t leave me me hanging on like a yo yo.
Wake me up before you go go.
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high….

OK WHERE WERE WE..
So you see, London just isn’t the same I’m afraid. I know, I know, Cape Town seems empty without your cuz around the corner. He’s not there anymore with a sandwich or a pork sausage for you. I know you feel the same. Dont worry big cuz, you’re the man now, you’ve got to take care of the city while I’m away.
Guess you’ll have to get out your Reluctant Hero suit again..

Mens Health is cool. Im working at the picture desk, which means I go to all the photo libraries and look for pictures. And there are loads. MH over here is much better than the one back home. So anyway I sit with the editorial team. The other day I had to sort out the model Z-cards. Got to see lots of bum and boobs. Awesome. Tomorrow I have to help out at a shoot, and well, maybe I’ll have to be in the shot… as in… with the model.. as in.. holding her in my arms… as in.. her in lingerie… holding her… and me.. her.. me….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4

Shew!!! Might have to report back to you on that one. Might not happen, you know how I always seems to stuff things up. Heaven forbid I do something wrong. Oh jeepers..

Ok strap nuts, will report to you again at a later stage. I need my beauty sleep.. and strength for tomorrow evening..
Hold on Sugar. Daddy’s got a sweet tooth tonight.

Stay classy… planet earth

ZED:

Just when I think you can’t possibly do anything dumber… you go and pull a stunt like that… AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!!

I think I pulled a muscle laughing, luckily I have lots to spare.

Ok, good chat. Your message was so hilarious I cannot fully explain it. I will reciprocate at a later date but right now Zed is very tired. Good luck tomorrow cuz. haha. hope it goes well… oh no I fell over! oh no I fell over again!! hahaha… ahh… sniff*… ha. I’m still laughing…

k, I’m gonna go sleep now.

I just know what’s gonna happen actually, I’m gonna get into bed and still be bloody laughing to myself… hahaha. my tummy really does hurt. ha!

k, seriously. I’m exhausted. night.

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It dawned upon me as I was eating my usual porridge and honey this morning, that my dear cousin Zed and I have had far too many ridiculous stories to tell all at once. Hence my clever yet brave decision to put them online… Here we go.