Letters


My Dear Zeddo

Apologies for not keeping you up to date on my  sojourns abroad. Times have been busy, and I haven’t had time to sneak a few posts onto our ever increasingly popular zlog. (Popular in terms of just you and I checking it out on a more regular basis, not the other). I’ve had a lot to report on, and have been storing up plenty of poo. Let’s begin.

Last weekend was a super fantastic one. Caught an 11 hour bus trip up to Kinross, Scotland (which wasn’t so super fantastic) and camped for three days at T in the Park festival. (www.tinthepark.com) It was… AWE-SOME. I took loads of pics, loads of video’s. I’m sure you’ve seen the video, but because you’re so specials, yes, specials, you get some extra unseen footage.

Here’s the main video

And here’s some other, non edited, raw footage

You’re a little jealous aren’t you? It was awesome. I’m awesome. And always will be.

Thank you

Dear Zeddo

Well, cousin, as you are probably more than aware of, cool things rarely happen to us. Well, OK, maybe me more than you. But something happened Zed. Something cool. This is something I will be able to tell my grandchildren AND have photographic evidence. I’ll be able to sit them down, all of them, including yours when they come visit us at Shady Pines retirement village, and tell something wonderful for a change. (and not about how I made a blog dedicated to you and poo) You see Zed, this is, how should we say, monumentally magnificent. Its just.. just..

[oh for Pete’s sake, show him Troye]

BOOOOOYA

BOOOOOYA

 It was taken for Mens Health Magazine. NO, the original guy didn’t have an accident and couldn’t make it. I was actually asked to do this!!

“Troye, would you mind terribly if you could be in a shoot next week. You’d have to hold up a half naked model in your arms. Would that be OK?”
“Sure.” I said, nonchalantly. [bearing in mind this is a professional environment, and so I couldn’t go ape shit like you’d think. But inside my head, the endless possibilities began to flow. Imagination boner.]

Oh, and when I left the office, I played this song, on repeat, all the way home]

Please take this memory, for me, hold it, love it, and be sure to mention it at the right moment in front of friends/people/strangers. (Not like there won’t be a perfect moment)

HIGH FIVE

Dear Zed, it happened again!

(No not that, that happens on a more regular basis come to think of it)

I was back at work and making an unnoticed dash towards the public ablution facility. The reason being is that this little fella had snuck up on me and now it was a race against the clock, for the sake of my trousers. I raced into the cubical with my belt unbuckling with ease, which gave me peace of mind to ‘relax’. Or so I thought. As I was about the take my place at Pride Rock, I noticed the seat was broken, as in, there wasn’t anything connecting it to the bowl. I had to act fast, there was no time for the Titanic to pull back into the harbour, she was already half way through the Atlantic. I clutched on with both paws and bid a bon voyage to the SS Teamer. After a sad and rather turbulent goodbye, I let go of the seat and bowl and tried to relax. Bad mistake. The next 30 seconds I spent learning about my centrifugal forces, riding around like I was on one of those mechanical bulls. It wasn’t fun. I cut my paper session short as the seat started to fire up again like a hovercraft, and thats when I noticed ANOTHER monstrosity.

It reminded me of the first time ‘these’ beings came into being. It was our families Greek island holiday, I had eaten heaven-knows-what, and decided it was time for my usual terrorizing of the small bowl. After finishing my negotiations with the white porcelain, Chris was also feeling the effects of the felafal from lunch, and entered the conference room. I heard a high pitched shreak, and Chris ran out looking at me in disgust, trying to find the words to explain his horrification as well as impressment. He sat me down as any father would and suggested that in future I should try find a stick or small branch and put the poor guy out of his misery.

So I took his advice from there on.

By the time I left home in my late teens, I had assembled a whole forrest of different pieces of wood, enough to make a Daniel Naude bonfire.

I’m trying to think why I’m telling you this, apart from the fact that these kind of things interest you. I think I was trying to tell you a message. You see, Zed, life and its problems are like a rather large fella, all you have to do to break it up is not by using a mighty sword, but by using a tiny twig. This will flush away you problems.

I hope this has helped. It’s certainly how I live my life by..

After not speaking for quite some time, (because we are oceans apart and are both too lazy to see how the other one is doing) Zed sent me a message on Facebook.

ZED:

Hi cuz, how’s foggy London town? do you miss me yet? don’t lie… it’s like you’ve had a limb amputated I know. I don’t miss you at all by the way.

How’s things? You home sick? Any hotness about? Got any of your juicy stories to tell… I’m sure you do. You got a job? What you doing with your time? Do you and snake nip to the pub every afternoon? Cool. How’s the rugby going?

All well here, staying with Rob and Ness in Bo-Kaap as I think you know. Think I got a job which is pretty sweet. Actually think I might get offered the 2 jobs I interviewed for last week!! When it rains it pours!!

Did luke give you that internet dongle I sent? (tee hee… I said dongle). Does it work? I have the password somewhere maybe if you need it… think I wrote it somewhere, let me know.

Anyway, you know how I gave it to you an all… even though I can’t use it… that was pretty nice of me right? Glad you agree. So could you do something for me!?! There is a pair of soccer boots at Hayley’s house… in Dave’s bag that he left there. A white pair… size 9 that I stole from work… remember? Remember how I stole you stuff too? That was pretty nice of me hey? I know, I’m such a good cousin. Anyway, have you been to get my other stuff? I had 2 bags there… pretty sure I told you… Are you using any of it? I said luke could use it if he wants. Think the only stuff I want to keep is the jackets/skiing stuff? Not sure what else there was actually? If I forgot anything cool please keep it for me or don’t let it get klapped. There was some bedding of chessies I know… and a Thesaurus… you can have that. That’s pretty nice of me right? I know… thanks, I love you too.

Anyway, seeing as how I’ve done so much nice stuff for you an all… don’t you want to post me those boots? PLEASE!!!!!!! if it’s a major schlep I understand… or if it’s too expensive. Don’t think it will be though will it? like 10 pounds or so? I’ll pay you back… or ask Luke to and pay him back.

K, let me know. Thanks old bean. Hope all’s well.

Let me know what’s up… send your old cuz a nice long email!!

Take it easy lemon squeezy.

Much love, Z.


MY REPLY:

Dear Zed

Thank you for your questionnaire. I had to read it a few times so I could fully take it in. My brain only functions with an email of less than four questions. Yours contained 24. Hence my delayed response.

Ahem..
London is fine, same as usual.
No, I dont miss you at all, I’ve found comfort in other material goods, as I’m sure you have.
Things are good, thanks for asking.
No I’m not homesick yet, but thanks for bringing that up (note the clever pun)
Lots of hotness about, but as usual, nothing is being done about it.
No juicy stories, but believe you me, you’ll be the first to know if any do spurt out.
I have 2/3 jobs. Polistas clothing store. Promo work, and Internship at Mens Health which is cool. Working at the picture desk. Have an exciting day 2m, will tell all if it goes off according to plan.
What I do with my time is of no concern to you. However I have planted some seeds and spend a fair amount of time watering and singing to them. This is not joke. I take my gardening seriously. Seriously.
Jake and I unfortunately dont nip to the pub that often. He works evenings, and me during the day. But we drink at home quite a bit. cheaper.
Rugby is finished, injured my knee badly, think I told you. So haven’t played for a while, but been going to the gym, so hopefully my amazing physique will only get better.
Yes i got the dongle, ahem, but he left my house without giving it to me, tsk tsk, but he sent it via post, so no worries.
Yes it works.
Nice of you, maybe. Dont think it required too much effort. So it was.. umm….good of you.
Maybe.
Sort of remember.
Vaguely remember.
I guess it was nice.. no no, good of you.
No, have not been to get your other stuff.
No, not using your smelly clothes, although Cheska’s stuff is wonderful.
I think I saw your skiing stuff.
Oh just odd stuff. This and that. Nothing important.
A Thesaurus for me! NOW THATS NICE OF YOU!!!
I will think about posting the boots, however I might see who is going back to SA, might know someone going soon.
Shouldn’t be too expensive for you, COS I”LL BE PAYING!!!
10 Pounds or so!!! its 10 Pounds I’ll never see again!!

Arrrrrggggghhhhh, thank goodness thats over!
Exhausted.
Let me just send this now, before it disappears.
Will write again in the arvo.

My fingers are bleeding.

Weak


ZED:

You’re a tool. Not a useful one.


ME:

Appreciate my sense of delusion you fool. My wit. My resourcefulness. My charm. Dammit!!!

What is happening strap nut? It feels like ages since we last exchanged pleasantries.
Well the truth is Zed, I thought of you today. I was sitting on the loo thinking about work n stuff. Then when I was finished I saw what had come out of me. I didn’t know where it had come from. It didn’t flush. For the next ten minutes I stood in the cubicle waiting for the water to fill the tank. In those brief few minutes as I waited for my monstrosity to be eaten, I wondered how you were doing. I pictured me at Wimbledon tennis courts hitting balls against a wall. Thats not fun. It certainly isn’t.

QUICK BREAK INTO A SONG:
Cos you’re my lady, I’m your fool.
It makes me crazy when you act so cool.
Come on baby, lets not fight, we’ll go dancing.
Everything will be all right.
Wake me up, before you go go.
Don’t leave me me hanging on like a yo yo.
Wake me up before you go go.
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high….

OK WHERE WERE WE..
So you see, London just isn’t the same I’m afraid. I know, I know, Cape Town seems empty without your cuz around the corner. He’s not there anymore with a sandwich or a pork sausage for you. I know you feel the same. Dont worry big cuz, you’re the man now, you’ve got to take care of the city while I’m away.
Guess you’ll have to get out your Reluctant Hero suit again..

Mens Health is cool. Im working at the picture desk, which means I go to all the photo libraries and look for pictures. And there are loads. MH over here is much better than the one back home. So anyway I sit with the editorial team. The other day I had to sort out the model Z-cards. Got to see lots of bum and boobs. Awesome. Tomorrow I have to help out at a shoot, and well, maybe I’ll have to be in the shot… as in… with the model.. as in.. holding her in my arms… as in.. her in lingerie… holding her… and me.. her.. me….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4

Shew!!! Might have to report back to you on that one. Might not happen, you know how I always seems to stuff things up. Heaven forbid I do something wrong. Oh jeepers..

Ok strap nuts, will report to you again at a later stage. I need my beauty sleep.. and strength for tomorrow evening..
Hold on Sugar. Daddy’s got a sweet tooth tonight.

Stay classy… planet earth

ZED:

Just when I think you can’t possibly do anything dumber… you go and pull a stunt like that… AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!!

I think I pulled a muscle laughing, luckily I have lots to spare.

Ok, good chat. Your message was so hilarious I cannot fully explain it. I will reciprocate at a later date but right now Zed is very tired. Good luck tomorrow cuz. haha. hope it goes well… oh no I fell over! oh no I fell over again!! hahaha… ahh… sniff*… ha. I’m still laughing…

k, I’m gonna go sleep now.

I just know what’s gonna happen actually, I’m gonna get into bed and still be bloody laughing to myself… hahaha. my tummy really does hurt. ha!

k, seriously. I’m exhausted. night.